Colossal Emo

In my geeky travels through the interwebs, I recently came across this stunning quote: "Colossus is totally emo."
I can't remember where; perhaps some forum, it sure ain't coming up in search engines.

For the blessedly uninformed, let me be the first to taint you: Colossus is a Marvel comic book character. He is a member of the Uncanny X-Men (the mutant superheroes, not the band.) Not a charter member of the gang, the Russian powerhouse was brought into the team as part of a ragtag international crew designed to revive interest in the stagnant title.

So anyway, the experiment worked, the All-New, All-Different X-Men was a hit and roughly thirty years later we'll be seeing the third in the X-Men blockbuster feature film franchise later this month. (And I'll be seeing it nine days early, because I'm a lucky geek/movie reviewer).

So, what has this got to do with emo kids? And what do emo kids have to do with rock criticism? Stick with me, my non-existent readership, and it'll all make sense soon.

So, Colossus is actually Peter Rasputin, a Russian farmboy recruited to the American super-team because of his somewhat unusual ability to transform his skin into organic metal. I'm not down with the exact physics and biology of the procedure, someone even geekier than me would have to be consulted for that, but here's the Complete Idiot's Guide to Colossus, written by me, a Complete Idiot. Let's resort to pretty pictures. When Colossus transforms, it looks like this:

Bigger pictures later, I promise. So anyway, Colossus is an X-Man, and he loves it. Or does he? Does it secretly make him... emotional? Perhaps even... perish the thought... emotional hardcore?

Apparently, emo music as we know it today (which allegedly stands for "emotional hardcore" or "emotive hardcore") started in Washington in the '80s, led by Rites of Spring and other bands that would become known as their "emocore" brethren.

The noteable thing here is the word "hardcore". These early emo bands, for all the raw emotions they were on their sleeves, could rock out when they wanted to. Fugazi were an emo band, after all. Emocore bands were just more... in touch with their emotions than the rest of the punk and hardcore family.

Gradually, emo bands and their fans, known as emo kids, earnt a reputation as depressed little dudes who liked to talk about cutting themselves, and tended to mope around a lot. The moping is key, here.

OK, so is Colossus emo? First of all, there's the clothes. Emos, at least of the perpetually depressed, for-gods-sake-what-is-it-about-hungry-jacks-that-attracts-these-people variety, are known for wearing dark get-up, with a heavy spot of make-up here, and a Chuck Taylor there. Does Colossus meet these criteria? Let's see.

It's touch and go, but I don't think Piotr qualifies here. But of course, emo is more than fashion, it's a way of life. So can Colossus be an emo kid, even as he wears bright spandex? Can he kick it? Yes, he can.

You see, as much as he loved his newfound brothers and sisters in the X-Men, Colossus yearned for his family back home in Russia. Risking his life for the benefit of a world that hates and fears him wasn't enough for Petey, he had to have his precious family too. Don't cry, emo kid.

So what did he do? Why, he continually moped about, and explored his skills as a painter. God, an artist! How emotional is that! Not helping Colossus' doldrums was the fact that his particular mutant ability, the ability to turn himself into metal, was not particularly useful against the team's archnemesis, Magneto. In fact, Magneto couldn't believe his luck, as he tossed around Colossus like a rag doll.

So now, we've got a big super-powered Russian, wandering around Professer Xavier's mansion- yeah, typical pampered emo kid, must have reaaaaaaal problems, in that mansion of his- bemoaning his far-away family, and how useless he is to his friends.

On top of that, Professor X is a total douche for a while there, and doesn't appreciate the new X-Men. God, frickin' idiot! Authority figures never understand! And they never will, you poor, poor emo kid!

Now, in case he's not emo enough already, Colossus has some family issues. His brother, Mikhail, a cosmonaut, ends up becoming an evil mutant. So, you know, here's this big emo mutant, fighting with his brother. So frickin' immature. Just like an emo mid.

And then, his sister Illyana gets infected with the Legacy virus, this thing designed to infect mutants (the world hates and fears them, remember... just like every adolescent ever). Now, and this is actually pretty sad, so grab the tissues, Illyana dies as a result of this infection. Yeah, I know, now you feel bad for making fun of him.

But what does Colossus do? Does he turn to his friends for support? Does he get out there and mix it up and see that life goes on? No. Of course he doesn't. Remember that Magneto guy, the bad dude who threw him around and made Colossus his bitch earlier in the tale? Well, Magneto's pretty much the king of the angry mutants. And, of course, being the loyal team-mate that he is, Colossus pays the X-Men back for their support throughout this difficult time in his life by teaming up with Magneto.

Upon joining the Magster, Colossus takes on a new uniform. Behold:

Dear Lord. Notice the black cape? And is that a hint of eye-liner I detect? Underneath those sweet boots, you just know he's rocking the blacked-out Con All-Stars.

Of course, Colossus doesn't commit himself to this new-found bad-assery. Honestly, if he stayed down that path, he would've ended up ditching the Death Cab and Jimmy Eat World records and asking his hairdresser for a Robert Smith.

Rather, he heads back to the X-fold, chills in England for a bit with an overseas X-franchise known as Excalibur, and then eventually goes "home" to the X-Mansion. Once there, Colossus delves deep into the history of emo, and pulls out a Fugazi classic that finally inspires him to do That Which All Emo Kids Say They Are Going To Do.

Remember that nasty Legacy virus? The one that killed lil' Illyana? Well, it turns out that, thanks to the magical world of comic book physics, this virus can be cured worldwide if one mutant injects himself with the antidote, killing himself and releasing the antidote into the atmosphere in the process. Or something.

I'm sure you all caught the key words there; they were just after "antidote."

No, not "into the atmosphere." The first time I said "antidote." Yeah, there you go, you've got it. So, to the tune of legendary emo band Fugazi's 'Give Me The Cure', Colossus does the heroic/lets-be-realistic-here-he-was-probably-gonna-do-it-anyway deed.

"Give Me The Cure"

I never thought too hard on dying before

I never sucked on the dying

I never licked the side of dying before

And now I'm feeling the dying

You've got your hands over your ears

You've got your mouth running on

You've got your eyes looking for something

That will never be found - like a reason

Good god I don't need a reason

I never thought too hard on dying before

I never sucked on the dying

I never licked the side of dying before

And now I'm feeling the dying

But you've got to....

Give me the shot

Give me the pill

Give me the cure

Now what you've done to my world

Awwwww. Of course, Colossus doesn't stay dead. Why? Because he's a comic book character? No, because he's a god-damned emo kid, and you just know they won't follow through on their threats. So Colossus rose from the dead. Pussy.

So, that's Colossus, the emotional mutant. But is he emotional hardcore? Well, the guy can turn himself into indestructible metal. That's, like, the hardest of the core, right there.

But here's the thing... Colossus isn't even the most obvious X-Man to go the emo route. I mean, for starters, he's practically invincible. Kinda hard for him to cut himself.

Wolverine, on the other hand, comes with six built-in foot-long blades in his hands, and has a healing factor that ensures any wounds will quickly be fixed! Prime emo candidate! And come on, the WHOLE TEAM, and all their mutant enemies, are quite hung up on this world that "hates and fears them."

The thing is, the whole diatribe above could be reworded and made to fit just about any subculture. Maybe not as well, but, y'know. This whole idea of "emo" as being "emotional", because really, there's nothing too hardcore about Dashboard Confessional, seems like lazy genre-labeling.

Virtually every adolescent thinks the world "hates and fears them", and most pop music reflects that in one way or another. What sort of song doesn't touch our emotions somehow? Surely not every song is an emo song.

So, critics... let's see some tighter definitions for terms like 'emo'. Because right now, Colossus (and probably any other person I randomly picked out of the sky) really could be described as "totally emo." And that's just not right.

Oh, and I'm not even gonna get into Colossus' relationship with the under-age Kitty Pryde, because the world just isn't ready for that.

In conclusion, I leave you with this image from a classic X-Men issue, in which Riptide has just told Colossus that Dashboard Confessional are not a very good band:

DO NOT mess with Dashboard arond Piotr Rasputin. I'm not even kidding.